kinda scaryy..

So I had to write an essay for my English Comp class on a particular event/person that changed or affected me drastically. I put it off til the day before, of course, because that's just how I roll. But I'm so glad I did, because I had some particularly changing events happen this past weekend. I wrote my paper on all of it, but I felt the urge to share it with other. I didn't exactly want to..but I heard a Voice telling me to. So this is my heart poured out in essay form. Be gentle with me.

(sorry it's a little long)

This past weekend I had the privilege to go away to Camp of the Woods with my youth group. It was a long awaited trip, and I have gone every year since I was a sophomore. Not one of those trips changed me the way this one did, and I was not the only one who felt that way.

We left around 6 o’clock on Friday evening. It was a long, grueling, noisy ride in a fifteen passenger van full of excited high school kids all eagerly anticipating the fun ahead of us. The four hour drive somehow turned into a six hour drive and we barely arrived at the camp before midnight. At that point I was dreading the session I knew we would have to sit through before we could finally go to sleep.

One of the leaders, Will, stood up front to talk to us. He explained how the weekend was going to go, what the rules were, and then he told us what he was going to be speaking on the following morning. He had prepared a lesson on the doctrine of Total Depravity, which is the principle of being absolutely nothing without Jesus Christ’s intercession for us. He explained how we were basically like dirt under the feet of a Holy God, and then he said “Does that sound bad? Tomorrow it will sound worse.” I was scared to hear the words I knew were true of my heart. The next morning I dreaded his talk. He laid it all out on the table the way I knew it was. I was disgusted at my own ways, and how incredibly inadequate I was compared to the perfection of God.

Will’s lesson would have been powerful enough in itself, but being the person he was, he went further to add an example. He walked over to a woman named Leanna. It is well known to everyone in the youth group that Leanna is an amazing artist, and devotes her life to her creations. He asked to borrow her sketchbook, and flipped through it to a beautiful drawing of a dragon. He brought it to the front of the room and began to scribble over it with pen. He perverted and destroyed her artwork, and as if that was not enough, he tore it to pieces in front of our very eyes. The shock in the room was thick. “That is what you do to God’s perfect design EVERY DAY! You’re all perverts” Will exclaimed harshly. I cast my eyes to the ground as I saw my fault signified perfectly in Will’s example. I was ashamed. I could feel the mortification radiating from my body.

Yet from the ashes of my pride that was destroyed by the lesson Will communicated so well, I was gently reminded of the grace of God towards a person like me. The patience He demonstrated with every mistake I made from the second I turned my life over to Him on November 21^st, 2001. The beauty He could see in me, the plans He had for my life, the value I now had—all were a result of His mercy.

A few nights later, our group gathered again to discuss the events and teachings of the week. There were many questions and observations of all the sessions, but feedback was given most to Will’s message on our depravity. While many of the group, including myself, had complex examinations of the concept and our feelings about it, the whole was brought together in a simple inquiry from the boy sitting next to me.

“Why did he die for us?”

A lump caught in my throat as I thought of it. Why on earth would perfection in human form come down to this horrid earth to die a cruel and mocked death for someone like me? What could I ever do to earn that, or to deserve it? I searched and found no answer, because there is no explanation for it. I was not worthy, yet he found worth in me simply because I asked for salvation.

Our pastor, Matt, asked us all to bow our heads and close our eyes. After every eye was shut, he asked the group to dig deep in our hearts, and if we were to die tonight, would we be spending eternity in heaven, or in hell. I was sure in my heart that I belonged to my Heavenly Father. But I could not be sure of anyone else. After a few minutes, Matt requested that everyone with their head raised would come to the front of the room. I could not resist looking up, and the tears began to fall when I saw my friends, Josh, Becky, Adam, and Sam, standing up front before the cross.

They each dedicated their lives to Jesus that day. My heart was ready to burst when I realized that these friends and I would be living together in paradise for all of eternity together. We were brothers and sisters now.